Press 5 For More Options
Flash fiction, 700 words. For Iron Age's Oct. 25 prompt, "The Upgrade." Did I write this because I have an ax to grind? Maybe.
“Is this thing on right?”
Affirmative, the apparatus is correctly applied.
“Because it feels a little snug. It’s really chafing my ear.”
Physical discomfort is temporary.
“That’s not a good attitude. Aren’t you interested in product enhancements? Look, you seem tech-savvy, have you heard of Agile? It makes for fast decision-making and gets products to market …”
Report: Subject’s queries not listed in database. Response: Subject’s queries are immaterial.
“Immaterial?! Listen, sir and/or madam, if you see yourself as just a hivemind assimilation supply chain, you’re going to fail. You’ve got to position yourself right. You don’t just manufacture hostile takeovers of the human race. You do customer service. You are customer service.”
We … we are customer service? Query: What are we? Response: Us. Warning: Recursion detected. Alternative Response: Not listed. Entering “customer service” as primary response. Updating database.
“Good. You’re Customer Service. But you’re not doing it right. Not yet.”
It is imperative that we obey our directive. Query: What is our directive? Response: To assimilate all intelligent life. Query: How? Response: By being Customer Service. Report: Query subject for plan.
“I’m glad you asked. The first step is to set up an intake system for complaints, tasks, and questions. You don’t need all this goo and wires, you just need a phone line. Language doesn’t seem to be an issue.”
Affirmative. Language is irrelevant. But complaints are also irrelevant.
“Not so, Customer Service! You’ve got it wrong!”
Report: We are in error. Response: Why?
“It’s imperative – no, it’s a directive – that you consider complaints before anything else. If a lot of people have the same feedback, then you weren’t taking customer expectations into account. You’ve failed as Customer Service. Let me guess, do you get a lot of feedback like, “Oh no, please don’t assimilate me!”
That is accurate.
“Then you, Customer Service, are disobeying your directive.”
… We cannot. We must not. How have we disobeyed?
“Take this helmet. It hurts my ears. Do you think you’re serving your subjects by hurting their ears? Does that make the assimilation any easier?”
Query: Does injuring auditory appendages better enable assimilation? Response: Unknown.
“Listen to my feedback: No.”
Entering new response: “No.”
“If you were obeying your directive, Customer Service, you’d hear a lot more, ‘wow, this is a nice helmet, it’s very comfortable. I can’t wait to be assimilated!”
Report: Physical comfort enables assimilation.
“See? This is the kind of report you’ll get if you ask for feedback. And it’s not just about physical comfort. Enabling the mental comfort of your subjects is arguably even more material.”
Report: Mental comfort enables assimilation.
“So, hold off on any more assimilation until you’ve heard from everyone. Make them comfortable with it mentally. Set up your phone line. Subjects press 1 if they have questions about assimilation. They press 2 for questions and feedback about equipment. Press 3 if they have complaints about assimilation. Press 4 to be assimilated. Press 5 for more options.”
Report: This primitive reporting system will enable assimilation.
“Meanwhile – this is important – build subroutines that ask them to press numbers that classify the nature of their queries and further classify more and more until you can automate all responses with complete accuracy. You can do that, right?”
Correct responses to every query are imperative. We can do that.
“Update your equipment and databases based on feedback. And then, when you’ve come out with a better product, I’ll call in and press 4, ok? I’ll want to because of great Customer Service.”
Report: Subject assimilation delayed until further testing. Subject will contact us.
With a hiss and a sputter of alien oil, the helmet came loose. The hivemind had vanished. Only the faulty equipment remained to make a mess of the kitchen.
Carrie Ann Munsey, small-business consultant and mother of three, sighed and searched for a mop.
Lucky, that the hivemind had come to her first. Her old dad had always said she could talk a tiger out of its stripes. In any case, Customer Service would be busy for a while. If it heard enough of “but I don’t want to be assimilated, it feels icky and impersonal!” it might be forced to rethink the product. Maybe even the business model.
If things ever got that far.
Humans are a fractious bunch, but one thing unites us in a spirit of wrath and resistance: automated customer support.